How to “Fix” a Team Member Who Is Irritating You
Building a dream team means hiring people who are better than you in an area of expertise.
This creates a challenge, which I’d like to illustrate by describing Tom’s situation. Tom was the CEO of a mid-sized company, and one day he called me in a panic about a pivotal direct report.
Lisa was more knowledgeable in her domain than anyone in the company… but she was also abrasive, unyielding and emotionally unpredictable.
She would talk badly about the CEO in front of her team, saying: “I’m not afraid to cut through the B.S and call it like it is.”
Often she was right, but her team found her to be exhausting and stressful, which was killing their morale.
Lisa was also angering the CEO… which is generally a strategy to avoid if you’re thinking of pursuing the “not being fired” career development path.
Tom learned that Lisa’s strongest team members were thinking of leaving if things didn’t change, so he called my “Emergency Hotline.”
Tom hoped I could somehow fix Lisa. As I listened to his story, I knew Lisa needed to wake up to her impact and the habits eroding her credibility.
At the same time, Tom also shared some responsibility... by creating the climate provoking Lisa’s behavior.
In other words, Tom also needed “fixing.”
He was the founder of the company, which had become wildly successful. He had an inspiring vision and was articulate, friendly and generous. As a result, his company attracted some of the best talent.
Unfortunately, Tom didn’t appreciate that Lisa had far more experience in the industry, meaning she was able to understand what he couldn’t.
She would warn about key decisions he was making, but he would dismiss them because he didn’t know how to evaluate her input properly.
When she saw the iceberg coming, she became like a loud foghorn… but Tom wasn’t particularly fond of loud foghorns, so he started ignoring her feedback.
Lisa was usually right, but Tom never acknowledged this to her… and since she wasn’t being heard, she started undermining him.
When I shared my observations with Tom, he went through his own personal five stages of grief: denial, anger, calling me names, threatening my dog (unfortunately for him I don’t have a dog), and acceptance.
I encouraged him to try a different approach with Lisa, which included the following five steps:
1. Aim To Understand.
Start out by saying: “My goal here is to get more clarity on your perspective and experience.” This sets a tone of… umm, actually listening?
2. Take Notes As They Talk.
Tell them you want to take notes, to be sure you get it right. This shows what they say matters to you. It creates emotional distance in case what they say triggers you… and it’s harder to facepalm with a pen in your hand.
3. Ask Only For Clarification At First.
Use phrases like, “I want to understand more about...” or “I’m not sure I’m clear on...”
If you feel you’re being criticized, aim to explore their issues without throwing anything… including the pen.
4. Get Curious and Suspend Judgment.
Don’t get hooked on things you disagree about. You can always come back later to debate just how wrong they are. The initial aim is to maximize the other person’s experience of being truly heard… and you might also learn something.
5. Ask, “What Do You Need?”
At the end, ask the person: “What do you need from me, to be successful in this?”
This helps create a safe space for people to vent their frustrations, while you genuinely hear them out.
This simple shift in approach really did “fix Lisa.”
Since she felt truly heard, she could share her perspective from a place of... well, not being a foghorn… which Tom could actually understand and absorb.
This would not have been possible if Jeff hadn’t been willing to look in the mirror and see his own flaws.
Anyway, what are the main takeaways from this blog post?
(1) When you hire smart people, make sure you allow them to feel heard... and better still, actually hear them. Use my suggestions to make this happen.
(2) My Emergency Hotline rocks. It’s open 24 hours. Just not in a row.
