The Secret to Breakthrough Team Gridlock
I’m taking a wild guess here, I know, but it’s probably been a while since you had to sort out a major fight between two families… in a hospital… in the middle of the night. True?
This is the kind of thing I had to deal with when I was a hospital chaplain.
You’re on call just like a doctor and you end up sleeping in the hospital... but not in comfort like the doctors do.
Instead, you’re alone in an empty wing used only during the day. It’s pitch black all around, except for one room with a flickering light on… and you never know what's going to happen.
It’s a horrible place to sleep... but Bates Motel was fully booked I guess.
Anyway, I got a call at 2am. It was for the intensive care unit where the sickest kids go. I went down there and I saw a couple, a Hispanic husband and a Caucasian wife.
They were with their newborn baby, who had a breathing machine. He was struggling to survive and the parents let me know he wasn't going to make it.
As a chaplain, there was always some feeling of helplessness when entering a situation like this. It’s not clear to anyone what you can do to help. Sometimes all you can do is be present for people.
However, I got the sense that I wasn’t there simply to comfort the parents. Something else was going on.
The couple had their families with them. One of the families was Hispanic, the other was Caucasian. Turns out, the two cultures grieve differently. Actually, in almost the exact opposite ways.
The Caucasian family grieved in a way where they held everything in. The mother and father alone were there to support their daughter, and they’re very quiet out of respect.
On the other hand, the Hispanic culture and community grieved in a very expressive and connected way. Everyone is in the room… all the uncles, brothers, sisters, nephews, cousins… with a number of them wailing and weeping loudly. This is how they honor the dying.
While I was there, I could tell the energy in the room was all off. Everybody was in a bad spot and I noticed there was a lot of anger amidst the grief.
The grandparents on the Caucasian side were fuming. They felt deeply offended so many people were in this private room where they should be having a private moment... and the other group were LOUD. How could they be so loud?
They took me aside and pleaded with me. “Can you get the other people to STOP??? This is hurting our family… our daughter. It's hurting the child. They need quiet privacy and they're not getting it.”
I didn’t tell them I’d help. First, because I wasn’t sure I could. Second, because I’d only just woken up. I wasn’t quite ready to give any sage words of advice... so I just listened.
Then I went over and listened to the Hispanic family members. As far as I can remember, their side of the story went something like this (but much longer):
“What is wrong with those people? They're going to make themselves sick if they don't stop holding back the tears. They need to let it all out. What they’re doing is all wrong. And they keep asking us to leave the room! This is awful! We're not going to do that. We need to be here for our family. This is how you grieve the right way.”
As I listened, I was reminded of something that has always fascinated me:
Nobody was actually wrong here.
Both cultures had their own way of grieving. And I couldn’t change a thing about that.
Well, I could try, I guess. “Hey, uhh… you know this custom you’ve been practicing for, like, forever? Could you just… cut it out?” Then I could do a double thumbs up and go, “Thanks.”
Yeah, that would work.
I realized my purpose at this moment in time was something different.
I wasn’t there to comfort or lead, or to ask one side to change. I was there to mediate. To build bridges. To find a way for two groups of people with radically different viewpoints to put aside their differences... and work together.
This is also part of our role as leaders managing teams. Often it’s simply about mediating and making sure a diverse group of people can work together.
OK… this has already become a pretty long post, so next time I’ll explain what I did. It’s something I’ve done ever since, to bring people with different views together… and it’s really simple and powerful.
