Are you a “Nice Boss?” Then Stop it Immediately
It’s pretty human to want to be liked.
I mean, it’s kind of not fun to work with people who hate your guts, right?
As leaders, we’re mostly the same as other human beings. With some exceptions, most of us want to be liked.
This means we can sometimes hold back the truth when we know it will hurt people’s feelings, because to “hurt their feelings” isn’t usually considered a good way to get people to like you.
However, this can seriously backfire... as in the case of Tim.
Tim was Chief Financial Officer of a large manufacturing firm.
Warm and kind, Tim was the classic “great guy” and the nicest boss you could ever have. He was also excellent at his job and had saved the company from financial disaster on several occasions.
At the same time, in an annual survey, team members rated their job satisfaction as low... and his department was losing staff at a much higher rate than others.
It turned out, people didn’t like working for Tim. They said it was an incredibly frustrating experience.
Tim was so nice to people all of the time, nobody actually knew where they stood with him.
Whenever he was supposed to make a decision, he would hear different opinions and say things like “you have a good point”... but not really share his own perspective or... like, actually make a decision.
When a particular team member wasn’t pulling his weight, people would complain to Tim.
“I’ll have a conversation with him,” said Tim. But when he did, nothing changed.
Tim’s “conversations” were so sugar-coated, the person had no idea they were being corrected. They usually walked away feeling like they might be in line for a pay raise and possibly even sainthood… with no clue their job was actually on the line.
Tim’s problem was, he was too much of a nice guy.
Now, when I say this, some people might think, “okay then, time to bring out the nasty guy”... and start wearing a Darth Vader mask to work or something.
I don’t recommend this approach, except maybe the Darth Vader mask part. Sometimes it can be more efficient than anything else.
But not for Tim. He didn’t need a mask. What he needed was to move from being the “nice boss” to a “truthful leader.”
This meant he first had to confront his fears. He was afraid of hurting people’s feelings, which he assumed meant people would no longer like him.
The lie he’d been telling himself was: as leaders we have the ability to avoid hurting people’s feelings.
Actually, we don’t.
They say truth hurts... but not telling people the truth can hurt them even more.
It robs them of the opportunity to grow and puts them at greater risk down the line. After all, telling them they need to step up now hurts them a lot less than saying “you’re fired” later on.
Tim also needed to speak more directly, without the verbal padding that obscured what he was really trying to say.
When he learned how to tell others the hard truth, to his surprise he discovered people actually liked him more.
They preferred Tim as the truthful leader, because they knew where they stood with him.
They knew where they needed to improve, because Tim would tell them. The team functioned better because everyone was finally pulling their weight.
Each member knew any praise they received from Tim was coming from a place of sincerity, a place of “I really mean this”… rather than a place of “I’m flattering you because I want you to like me as a boss.”
When leaders are out of balance in a particular trait, often they need to make a small adjustment to how they see themselves, which first requires a little honest self-examination. Take this quiz to discover where you might be out of balance.
