By Far My Worst Moment as a Leader… and how you can avoid it
I was about to discover one of the most important polarities leaders need to manage.
I’d been pastor to a small church of 300 people, each with their own opinions on what they wanted me to be.
I would change to suit their wishes until I realized I couldn’t possibly please everyone, and decided to stand firm in who I was – what I now call the “Solid Self.”
Some time later, the leaders of a megachurch hired me as pastor. They had a weekly attendance of 6,000 people.
I remember during one sermon I was getting a lot of blank stares. I knew I wasn’t connecting with my audience, but hey... not my problem.
Afterwards a woman came up to me and said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Shane. Where did you get this stuff? It’s really disconcerting.”
I gave her my best answer, but I could tell she wasn’t satisfied. I had become an expert in recognizing “your answer kind of sucks” faces.
I wasn’t fazed. I knew she was another in a long line of people who wanted me to be someone different. I was pretty sure this was her problem, not mine.
Apparently, many people felt the same way as her, but I kept telling myself: this is who I am. I’m here to lead, not follow your wish list. If you don’t like it, there’s another church down the road.
Within the next two months, 500 people left the church I was in… presumably to join the church down the road.
Still... not MY problem... right?
Then one day a member of my church asked to meet with me. He also happened to be Chairman of the Board of a well-known Fortune 50 company.
The leaders of the church had asked him to “have a chat” with me. They’d been inundated with complaints about me.
People were concerned I didn’t believe what the church believed. My credibility was being eroded and people were starting to push to have me removed.
After a long discussion with me, the man said, “Shane, you’re a gifted communicator.”
Slightly over-dramatic pause.
“But the words you’re using aren’t working for this community. They’re hearing something you don’t intend and it’s hurting you in ways you don’t see.”
“Uhh, really?” I replied, with a gape-mouth frown and a hand gesture indicating complete surprise. “Are you SERIOUS, dude? I mean, like… REALLY?”
I didn’t use those specific words or gestures, because I wasn’t 12. I think my actual reply was more of a zen-like “Okay”… with a facial expression suggesting infinite wisdom, patience and understanding of what he’d just said.
The man continued. “Shane, you can either reinvent yourself as a communicator for this community, which we can help you with… or we can support you as you find something that fits more of who you are right now.”
He paused to let those words seep in... much like how the Titanic paused after hitting an iceberg, to allow the ocean to seep in.
“What would you like to do, Shane?” he asked, sitting back in his chair.
Umm, I guess the... wait, what were the options again?
Anyway, I had been given a clear choice: adapt to suit their needs, or go and be “who I am” somewhere else.
It dawned on me, I had overplayed the “Solid Self.”
Although at times it was important to be firm in who I was, as a leader I also needed to meet people where they were and bring them along.
Not being fired from the church I was in might help in this regard.
I decided to reinvent myself for them, and engage what I call the “Changing Self”… the part of ourselves willing to adapt and evolve.
This required a very different language and a different selection of topics... which was out of my comfort zone at first.
Yet before long, I could tell people were once again feeling engaged and excited by what I had to say... in part because they no longer brought headphones to my sermons.
What’s the bottom line of this lengthy blog post?
1. A polarity exists between the need to stand firm in who we are, and the need to change and adapt – between the “Solid Self” and the “Changing Self.”
2. One of the greatest leadership abilities we can have is to recognize when we should stand firm, and when we need to become more flexible.
Fortunately for you, in the next blog post I’ll give you a few tools to help you figure this all out. You might also want to get hold of my latest book, which enables you to navigate the big 7 polarities leaders and managers face every day.
